Xmas Wrath
First we were gonna get it on Wednesday or Thursday. Then we agreed it would be easiest if we went right after Hebrew school on Sunday. Right after Hebrew school meant they would pick me up at 1 - ish. Then Mick called and said he had something he’d forgotten to take care of for his audition class on Monday, so he’d need an hour or so after our kid got out. Then he texted at 2:30 or 2:45 and asked what time I’d like to go get the tree. Really?
So I called him. I kept my cool. I swear. "Hmmm. Let’s see. It gets dark around 4:45, so let’s work backwards." He says okay. How's 3:30 or 3:45? I say sure. He says great, because he and our kid wanted to play this xbox game. Okay I say. Then I hang up and weep for a minute. Then I text and say I’m happy to let them off the hook and go get the tree myself. It doesn’t sound like they are that into it. He immediately calls back and now we are fighting. Polite with one another, but fighting. He says they are definitely into going. They will be here at 3:30. Then 2 minutes later he texts that they are coming right this minute! He used an exclamation point. Are exclamations in texts as confusing to everyone else as they are to me? Sometimes they seem like they are expressing enthusiasm. But most often don't they feel like you're being yelled at. Is it just me?
I want to send exclamations back to him, but decide to wait and exclaim my wrath in person. This is where we break down. He’s pissed at me for being pissed at him for being flaky and irresponsible and putting me somewhere way down on his list of things to deal with. I’m actually pissed at him for being pissed at me when he is the one who didn’t get the tree on Wednesday or Thursday and didn’t even remember we were gonna get the tree on one of those days. And mostly I am pissed at me for caring. Or being petty. Or being old and wrinkled and not who he wants anymore. I’m so pissed at me for becoming a crone instead of the babe I lead him to believe I would always be. I was a cougar wife before cougar wives were a "thing". Back when they were few and far between. Susan Sarandon. Cher.
Stupid stupid stupid. I thought marriage vows meant he would stay around no matter how old or wrinkled or bitchy I became. I let myself slip and slide away and around all that mattered to me. And now I live in the land of arguing over what tree and where and when to buy and silent glances and looks away and under the breath disdain and disgust and getting even and hurting back. I don't know this person I have become and yet I know her all too well.